I broke up with anxiety and it still tries to visit.
But I don’t answer the door anymore.
Anxiety and depression has been something I have struggled with for many years, all starting in my 20’s when I learned that the world was not safe and I was no good. I can’t really tell you where that came from, it could have been the environment I lived in or my belief systems from growing up where I didn’t fit in the world because of basically everything about me was wrong.
Once I reached my 30’s, my perspective about how I perceived myself shifted. There were times where I felt like life was finally getting better. I was growing up allot more and I realized that had more control to figure a way to make life better. Seeking to get outside of my self and be around like minded people. Meditation helped me through as I didn’t want to take pills or antidepressants. I figured I had to try everything to work with Anxiety and get to the root issue of why I was having episodes.
Then my 40’s hit and I was in a time of my life where I was supposed to be blissfully happy when I found out I was pregnant at the ripe young age of 39. The feeling of bliss did occur, although I was sick through the whole thing, puking, nausea, heart burn, gas and acid reflux as the cherry on top. I made it through the 9 months and I was happy to be pregnant and also very happy when my son was born.
Then there was a dark period I will not forget, the experience of getting a c-section and not getting that storybook moment with the baby on your chest for bonding. I remember being cut open and my baby getting checked out and prepped. I remember being disappointed that I couldn’t have him natural.
The feeling of failing as a new mom carried on for almost 10 months. My hormones where out of order due to being drugged up on pain meds and then my body trying to adjust after all of that and being pregnant. Believe me, that was an experience I wish on no one.
I did seek out help and got 2 types of healing, one was a traditional counselor and the other was reiki energetic healing which I still do today. Seeking help got me through some tough times and I am glad I did.
Life does get hard at times no matter how much you try to stay positive. The reality is it’s impossible to feel uplifted and happy all of the time. You will go through tough times, you will experience some form of depression, it is life.
We all have things we wish didn’t happen to us, we all have been through allot of shit one way or another. But for my experiences, growth was necessary and looking back on all the things I thought was horrible was actually a deep learning experience and maybe a soul experience to grow or have a better understanding about myself. I am a good person, great mom, talented, worthy of love, and beautiful.
Now that my son, who is almost 3 and I am thankful I have him in my life and I fight the life battle for him. He will go through many challenges in his life and I will too. But he will know he is never alone and never will be. None of us really are.
When anxiety does try to push it’s way through, I take time to understand the feeling and the issue that’s causing it. Look at it from the outside in and shift the way I perceive that situation our thought. Then I add some music, meditation and a good laugh to feel better.
Thank you for reading my story. I hope this it helps someone. If you need help, seek it. Someone out there really wants to help you.
Take care and have a great week everyone!